I think I have finally come to the realization that things don't always go as planned. Sometimes, you have to do what's best for your child, even if it isn't what you originally wanted. It's no secret how badly I wanted to breastfeed my son. After all, I spent the last eight weeks pumping every two hours, taking a myriad of pills, herbs, and teas to increase my supply, trying to coax Elliot to nurse with breast shields and syringes, and, finally, bottle feeding him my pumped breastmilk.
Up until a few days ago, Elliot wasn't pooping. At all. He was going five day stretches without a single bowel movement before we finally resorted to using suppositories. During that time, he was receiving a combination of breastmilk and formula in his bottles, and spending most of the day screaming because his belly hurt.
A few nights ago, I accidentally spilled a ton of my milk and therefore had to make up a few formula-only bottles. That night, he screamed and refused to take half of his bottles... until I succumbed and offered him a formula-only bottle, which he immediately gulped down. The next morning, after four formula-only bottles, he pooped on his own for the first time in two weeks!
Wondering if it was just a coincidence, I withheld the breastmilk the last two days and gave him only formula... and sure enough, he pooped yesterday morning and again this morning. He's also been noticeably less cranky.
I called his doctor and he recommended not giving him any more breastmilk for now to see if he continues to do well without it. Elliot is on a special formula for sensitive tummies that contains partially broken down proteins, which is probably why he's having an easier time digesting the formula than my milk.
So, to put it simply, I'm sad. I feel like the odds were against us from the start, but I still really wanted to breastfeed. I know I can try again {and will most likely succeed} with the next baby but... still.
So for now, I'm just doing what seems to be best for my son. If that means giving him formula, so be it, but I'm certainly not happy about it!
Have you tried eliminating dairy from your diet? Could it be that his tummy is having trouble breaking down the milk proteins?
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you weren't able to feed Elliot like you had planned, but remember you tried, and gave it your all, and that is what matters. Try to keep your head up and remember that feeding your child is just a small part of the whole raising a child deal.
<3
I'm so sorry :(. I definitely understand your pain. I finally had to stop breastfeeding because it was aggravating my lupus symptoms, but it still breaks my heart every single day and I so wish that I could do it.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry! I know how important it was for you to breastfeed. But I do agree with the first comment that was posted. Maybe if you try changing your diet a bit it might help. Just a thought!
ReplyDeleteThe Sweetest Life♥
Hey, you dont know me, but you knew my wife before we got married, "Kirsten Nyboer" anyway, dont feel too bad, when kirsten was trying to breast feed we had a bit of trouble to, and even when he was eating he didnt pass to many bowel movements, the doctors told us that it wasnt uncommon for breast-fed babies to have WAY less movements, and that formula fed babies will have a TON more. bryce(our son) would go DAYS without one sometimes, upwards to around 4 or 5, and although the doctors said it wasnt very healthy all the time, that its not particularly uncommon for it to happen. anyway congrats! and he's a real cutie. :)
ReplyDeleteI already don't have any milk in my diet because I'm lactose intolerant. I wish that were the problem, though!
ReplyDeleteAnd although I know breastfed babies can go a long time without pooping, Elliot isn't allowed to because of his GI tract issues.
But when it comes down to it, I suppose the WAY of feeding isn't that important, as long as he gets all the nutrients he needs.
i know it's got to be hard, but you know in your heart that you're doing what is right for your son. you deserve major props for sticking to it for so long! i commend you. :)
ReplyDeleteThis sounds so much like my story with Sylvie. I pumped night and day for eight weeks. She was always fussy and gassy. She began to refuse pumped milk and the breast. I started supplementing with formula and noticed a difference right away! In short, it was the best and toughest parenting decision I've had to make so far. I still feel guilty about it from time to time (but only because other moms make me feel that way). I commend your decision to put your parenting ideals aside and do what is best for your precious Elliot. With everything stacked against you two, I think you are doing a phenomenal job.
ReplyDeleteI agree that you seem to be doing an amazing job - my little one has had the flu for the last few days and it was hard seeing him suffer through that - it made me think how much harder it must have been for you with Elliot in the NICU for so long.
ReplyDeleteAnyway I just wanted to say remember the reasons why you wanted to breastfeed in the first place - I'm guessing it was for the health benefits for your son, right? Seems like formula is giving him the most health benefits at the moment, so it's obviously your best choice as a parent! Don't feel like you are letting him down.
Parenting seems to be a never-ending journey of revising your standards - I learned a while ago not to judge other mums as you'll probably end up doing the same thing as they are in 2 months!
I know how sad it is to not be able to breastfeed and how bad I felt. I did everything I could to make it happen when my daughter was in the NICU.
ReplyDeleteIt was so hard for me to accept and I REALLY beat myself up over it. It's normal to be disappointed but please don't make the same mistake I did and just know that you've done your very best.
Just remember, a happy baby equals a happy mommy. I wish I would have realized that once I knew breastfeeding wasn't going to work out. I've also learned that when it comes to being a parent, things don't always go as planned and your child is ever changing.
Elliot knows that he is loved and you would do anything for him. That's what matters. :)
Oh sweetie, I know exactly how you feel. We had to put N on Alimentum but at the end of the day, you gotta do what you gotta do. It took me months to get over not being able to BF. Hang in there. xoxo
ReplyDeleteThe important thing is that you are doing what's best for your baby, and if it happens to be formula in Elliot's case, then that's what he needs. It's hard when things don't work out how you planned or wanted them to, but take comfort in the fact that you are an excellent mommy for doing whatever it takes to make your little boy feel better! :-)
ReplyDeleteThe important thing is that you tried to breastfeed. I wanted to exclusively breastfeed my little one, but sometimes he doesn't want the milk and will gulp down the formula. It makes me sad as well but we have to do what's right for our babies.
ReplyDeleteI hope that you don't feel guilty for this. We all have seen your struggles with this and know that you gave it your all. Its frustrating when you have to admit defeat, but ultimately you feel better just knowing you are doing what is best for little Elliot. =D
ReplyDeleteYou're not happy about doing the best thing for your son... does that make sense? I think you need to look within yourself to find the strength to get through this and think about why you wanted to breastfeed in the first place. I assume the answer is because you wanted to give your son what was best for him. Well, the situation has changed such that formula may now be best for him. And suddenly you're not happy? Did you want to breastfeed for him or for yourself? If the answer is some of the latter, that's fine, but at the same time you should try to keep in mind that you are doing the best for your child right now because you are giving him the food he needs to grow and thrive. It doesn't matter where it comes from. Right now you are doing the best for him, breast milk or not, and this should make you happy Seeing him eat and thrive should make you happy. Breast feeding is not the end all be all. Having a happy, healthy child is.
ReplyDeleteI'm still really curious about the karo syrup you are putting in his bottles? (The reason for that?)
ReplyDeleteThanks for all the supportive comments, guys!
ReplyDeleteAnd we're not using the Karo syrup anymore now that he seems to be able to poop on his own. We used it for awhile per our doctor's suggestion because it is a sort of natural laxative due to its high fiber content. Mothers used to give it to babies in their bottles all the time, apparently. My mom always used it.
I really, really understand how heartbreaking it is to have to stop breastfeeding your baby. It's so hard. But it gets better with time, and in a few months, you really won't mind anymore. Especially when he's old enough to start solids - you'll see him getting to be such a big baby and it won't hurt so much that he doesn't nurse. You did an awesome job and are continuing to do an awesome job by providing him with the food he needs to thrive!
ReplyDeleteI just stopped breastfeeding my 14 wk old after A LOT of problems and complications, so I feel your pain. My baby is happier, gaining more weight and sleeping better, but I still feel like I should have tried harder to make it work. As my dr said, any breastmilk you were able to give him helps, and it's more important to have a happy, healthy baby and mom. I'm still trying to accept this, but motherhood is about doing what's best for our sons, even when it's hard. Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteI agree with the first comment. You gave it your all...you tried...do NOT beat yourself up because of this. Sure, breastmilk is better, but you have to do what works.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry, that is so hard. But you are doing what is best because a full, content belly is what is most important. He will be happy and healthy. You are a good mama.
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