amazing.

Last night, I was hanging photos when I came across some pictures of myself when I was pregnant. As I looked at my round belly, I smiled. Then, it occurred to me that my baby boy used to be inside me. It's kind of a strange thing to think about- that I carried this fantastic little person inside of me for nine whole months.
He's only been alive eight months, but it's hard to remember what life was like before he was here. When I was pregnant, I had no idea what color his eyes or hair would be, whether he'd be outgoing or shy, or what kind of personality he'd have. One thing that I did know, however, was that I loved him completely- more than I'd ever loved anyone. Then, he was born, and I loved him even more. Moments after his birth, he was whisked across the room to be examined, stabilized, and prepared for his trip to the NICU. I squirmed and tried to see through the wall of doctors and nurses, and I finally caught a glimpse of my newborn son. He looked exactly how I'd always imagined. I knew immediately that I would die for this person that I had just met. My life was forever changed.
It's crazy to think that this little boy, the center of my world, started off as nothing more than a tiny bundle of cells and then grew in my tummy for nine months before making his grand entrance into this world. Even harder to believe? He's already eight and a half months old.

It all began here:




And now he's grown from this:


to this!


All in just seventeen months!
Pregnancy, childbirth, and motherhood is amazing.
It truly is.

Updates :)

Okay, it's been a BUSY weekend with all of my husband's family here... so I {still} haven't uploaded the new pictures. Cut me some slack :) I'll try to add them tonight!
What's new with Elliot
♥ 1. He got his PICC line on Saturday, so they were able to take the IV out of his hand and both of his hands are free now :) The bad news is that his PICC had to go in his scalp because they couldn't find any good veins anywhere else... and now that his hands are free, our little man is busy trying to pull out his tubes 24/7.
♥ 2. Elliot is still losing weight. He weighs about 5 lbs 9 oz now. They've increased his feedings and are hoping he'll start gaining soon.
♥ 3. The surgeons came by yesterday and they are tentatively thinking that his first surgery might be on Wednesday- two days from now! This is exciting but also nerve-wracking.
♥ 4. ELLIOT IS HAVING REGULAR BOWEL MOVEMENTS!
Mama Update:
I'm finally starting to feel better. Still swollen and cramping... but at least it's tolerable now. MY MILK FINALLY CAME IN YESTERDAY which is awesome, but it means that I have to keep a rigorous pumping schedule or else my boobs feel like they're going to explode and I start leaking.
I had a meltdown last night when we got back from the NICU. When we got there at 10:00pm the nurse told us that Elliot had been crying ever since shift change and she couldn't calm him down... and shift change is at 7:30pm. That's almost THREE hours of crying, people. It took everything in my power not to start bawling right then and there. I felt like a horrible mother for not being there to console my child. It kills me that he just has to lay on his back 24/7... that we can't hold him or cuddle him to make him feel better. When we went to bed I just lost it. My husband made me feel better eventually but I still feel guilty about it. I know that it's impossible for us to be there for everything, but it still makes me so sad. I always dread getting up and leaving him.
The Ronald McDonald house has been great. My husband is wonderful- he has been taking care of me. I love my little family and life :)

The post in which I talk about my fears

Elliot will be born next week. NEXT WEEK! I'm happy and excited, but I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't nervous, too. I think the thing that gets to me the most is the unknown. Today's technology is pretty remarkable, but there is only so much that we can see on an ultrasound. The fact is, we won't really know what we're dealing with until after Elliot's born. There is no way to know for sure how large the opening in his belly will be, how much of his bowel is outside his body, whether it is damaged, twisted, or broken, or if any other organs are involved. We don't know what kind of complications we could be facing.
The thought of giving birth to such a fragile little boy frightens me. It really does. No child should have to come into the world that way! I also dread the fact that, only moments after his birth, my newborn son will be taken away from me. I will probably be an emotional wreck! I hope that I will at least get a good look at his face before they rush him off to the NICU.
The only thing that comforts me lately is remembering that God has a plan. Sometimes, the only thing you can do is tell him your fears and trust that he will take care of it.

"I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth."
♥ Psalm 121:1-2

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths."
♥ Proverbs 3:5-6

Be thankful.

Today, I am thankful.
I’m thankful for my wonderful husband. He may be miles away, in a foreign country… but only for now. Someday soon, the love of my life will be back where he belongs: with me. Elliot will know his father's love. Not everyone is so lucky.
I’m also thankful to have this little boy growing inside of me. I feel blessed to be chosen to carry him, and I am proud to be his mother. Some women never know the joy of being pregnant, giving birth, and being a mother.
I’m thankful to be lucky enough to live in the USA, where I am free.
And lastly, I’m thankful for the air that I breathe, and every breath that I take. It’s wonderful to be alive.
The best lesson I ever learned was to count my blessings and not my sorrows.
What are you thankful for?

Oh, by the way: I'm still having contractions. But they aren't coming as often anymore. So I'll take that as a good sign!

Mommy's Here

"I accept Time absolutely.
It alone is without flaw,
It alone rounds and completes all,
That mystic baffling wonder."
[Walt Whitman, Leaves of Grass]

Dear Elliot,
Time is passing so quickly.
It feels like just yesterday that I was jumping up and down, waving the positive pregnancy test in the air like my own victory flag. I remember rubbing my belly and silently promising to protect you from any harm. But God had his own plans. My heart still breaks whenever I think back to that horrible day, when the doctor said, "There's a problem with the baby."
You will be here before I know it. I can't wait to meet you, but to be honest, I'm not entirely sure if I am ready yet. But ready or not, every day brings me one step closer to your birth, and the beginning of our journey.
There's just one thing you need to know:
Mommy's here.
And I'm not going anywhere.
Love,
Mommy

Rain, rain, go away...

Sorry I've been MIA lately.
The weather has been TERRIBLE (cold and rainy) and I've been sick.
To make matters worse, my husband has been really down lately. He hates being in Korea without me, and every time I talk to him, he's in a bad mood. Cheering him up is impossible. I just wish there was something more that I could do! I feel so helpless. Usually I look forward to talking to him everyday... but now everytime we say "goodbye," his mood has worn off on me and brought me down a little, too.
I am so thankful for this little boy. I had an OB appointment yesterday, and things went really well. I'm measuring right where I should be, and my OB still thinks my weight is perfect, even though I feel like I've gained way more than everyone else in my birth club. Elliot's hearbeat was a little irregular (but still in the 140s). The OB chalked it up to him being so active or hiccups. It worried me a little, though.
I just keep praying that things will continue to go smoothly. And I'm very much looking forward to finally being reunited with my husband and meeting my son.
I could use some cheering up!

We're slipping a little- my fault for not posting! Care to vote? :)

faith, hope, & love

I've been trying to focus on enjoying every single moment of this pregnancy. The love I have for my unborn son is indescribable. I never knew I could love somebody I've never met this much.
Secretly, I've been hoping that Elliot will be inspired by the love I have for him- that it will fuel him to get bigger and stronger. He has a long road ahead of him.
According to my high risk OB, the average gastroschisis baby is in the NICU for 2-3 months. I already know that those will probably be the hardest months of my life. I've been researching, reading others' stories, trying to prepare myself. But really, what parent is ever ready to see their newborn son in so much pain, hooked up to so many machines and wires?
When I start to feel overwhelmed by worry and doubt, I turn to comforting bible verses, like the ones below. Ultimately, Elliot's life is in God's hands. I trust him.
All I can do now is have faith, hope, and love.

"For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And the door is open to everyone who knocks." (Luke 11:10)

"The Lord your God is with you. He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with his love, He will rejoice over you with singing." (Zephaniah 3:17)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 2911)

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28-30)

Love.

"Before you were conceived I wanted you. Before you were born I loved you. Before you were here an hour I would die for you. This is the miracle of life."

Dear Peanut,
You've got to be strong, little one. You know why?
Because I love you. Love can move mountains.
Don't ever let anyone tell you anything different.
Love,
Mommy

An Inspiration.

This is one of the most inspiring stories I've ever heard- and what a wonderful way to support and embrace life. This is a beautiful story about love and acceptance. And to think, many of these babies are never born because doctors encourage the parents to terminate the pregnancy. I think what this couple did, by choosing to keep their son and leave his fate in God's hands, was extremely courageous. In the 99 days of Eliot's short life, he opened his parents' (and many others!) eyes and truly taught them something about life and love.
This video struck a nerve with me, because we were originally told that our baby had a high chance of having either Trisomy 18 or 13. We firmly stated that we would NOT terminate if a chromosomal anomaly was found. Thankfully, we don't have to worry about it anymore... but I'd like to think that we would have loved our child in the same way.

The power of prayer.

"With God, all things are possible."

Ever since that first ultrasound, four weeks ago, when I got my first glimpse of the child I am carrying, I have been filled with an overwhelming ammount of love for this baby. There is nothing quite like seeing your baby kick on that black and white screen for the first time.
When I found out about this baby's birth defect, it felt like the walls were closing in on me. I could hardly breathe. How could something be wrong with such a new, perfect life?
It was then, four weeks ago, that I started praying vigilantly, day and night. At first, I was selfish- I prayed that the doctors were wrong, and that this baby was completely normal. I cried and asked God what I had done to deserve this. But as time passed, I did more research, and my attitude changed.
Instead of begging God to magically fix this child, I asked him for strength. I prayed that he would please let this baby know how much I already love him/her. That whatever happened, I knew it was all part of His plan. After placing my trust in God, I simply asked for the best possible outcome. And I promised that no matter what happened, I was happy and proud to be this baby's mother.
You can wallow in self pity and worry, or you can put on a positive attitude and focus on the good rather than the bad. That is what I did. Even though I knew this baby could have numerous serious problems, many of which were fatal, I simply hoped that he/she would be spared. Believing in the baby's strength, I willed him/her to be healthy. I prayed every night for peace, serenity, strength, and a miracle.
And I look at the baby's new diagnosis, Gastroschisis, as nothing short of miraculous. It was a weight lifted off my shoulders. This child has a very good chance at survival, and a normal, happy life. Don't get me wrong, the road ahead will be long and difficult, but in the end, my husband and I will probably come out of it with a healthy, beautiful baby. I think God heard my prayers, and those of the many friends and family members who have been praying along with us.
For that reason, I will continue to pray.

"And now, these three remain: faith, hope, and love, but the greatest of these is love."

If you would like to help raise awareness for the many birth defect babies in this world, please vote for us.
Also, I recently changed my settings so that anyone can leave a comment. You no longer need an account. So please, comment away! I love reading them!

Dear Ocean: I missed you.

I can't believe it had been almost three years since I'd been to the ocean! The moment I stepped into the water and felt the water lapping against my shins and the sand squishing beneath my toes, I was at peace with the world.
As I looked out onto endless miles of breaking green waves, nothing else mattered. I walked out into the water, letting the whitecaps break and froth onto my chest and shoulders, and closed my eyes. Hugging my belly, cradling the tiny, fragile baby inside, I knew this: my future is about to change in ways that I cannot possibly imagine. And it doesn't matter what happens- this baby will always be a huge part of my life.
I don't know if it was the tangy, salty sea air, the cool ocean breeze, the warmth of the sun, the carefree children splashing in the water, or some combination of it all, but here, in this place, in Cape Cod, I feel reassured. God has a plan. I haven't the slightest idea what it is right now- but that doesn't matter.
I honestly, truly think that everything's going to be all right- one way or another. I will come out of all of this a stronger person, and most importantly, a better mother.

Thinking positively.

I've decided to take things day by day, and to think as positively as I can. What good will it do to sit around worrying about all of these different things that may/may not happen? All it will do will stress me (and the baby!) out and drive me insane. So instead, I'm going to hope for the best possible outcome. I recognize what could happen, but I will tackle those hurdles if and when they come. Until the 9th, we really won't know what we're up against.
For now, I will make sure this little baby knows how much we love him/her. Hopefully that will give Peanut the strength to pull through. People don't give babies enough credit. It's amazing what so many babies in the NICU overcome! They are such strong little fighters.
I'm trusting that God has a plan, and that no matter what happens, there is a reason. I might not understand it right now, but I will eventually. And one thing's for sure- I'll definitely come out of this a much stronger person!